Jacky Ralph Amos

John had eight polyps removed.  That's not kewl!  Well...kewl that they were removed in time, but...not kewl that his colon seems to be a breeding ground for polyps.  Me and Haven spent two point something hours in the Explorer doing the Pre'K exercise book.  It really made time go by more quickly, but...I sigh.  I just hate getting out of the house.  I would feel better about it if I could wear capris and flip'flops.  It really wouldn't cold today, but no leaves on the trees somehow make a difference in how one feels about functioning.  I like color in my life, color around me.  Okay...now I sound like a pre'K gal.

I'll sure miss you being my muscle this spring, Jacky.  Who to haul my bags of dirt?  I guess I could buy smaller bags and tote them myself.  Or...well...I don't know.  I don't think that I'll plant any herbs this year, just tomatos.   And your tree.  And Angie's rose'bush. Okay, and habanero peppers.  You always had to dare yourself on eating the peppers of past plants.  Okay, okay...I will plant dill, and one more time, a rosemary bush that I will drag in for the winter.  And why not the bell peppers while I'm at it?  I can always just wrap them and toss them in the freezer.

I guess that I'll miss your muscle after all.

I sigh.  I miss the colors of life around me.  I miss you.

Always and forever...

All say a prayer for John and his test tomorrow.

Jacky, I watch the Most Shocking series (without you now) and....I have to KNOW that God had a mission there in heaven for you.  The accidents that those people (mostly bad guys) walk away from, and you weren't allowed to walk away from yours....?

I guess that they needed more time here to discover Christ, not Christianity.  A RELATIONSHIP with God, not an "I'm simply saved because I believe" deal.

Which led me to study/ponder>>God always leads me to someone that will send me scripture on what I need that day<<but led me to ponder the "gulf" in heaven.  Translated, gulf mean gash...  Ahhh, to get into it would lead ME into preaching a sermon of my own, but it sure is funny after listening to it, that Larry calls posing exact same questions.  Kewl!  Right out of the blue. Really kewl!

Which causes me to know that I know that I KNOW that God is listening to and answering every single question that I send up to HIM, altho, too, same as the scripture speaks....I see dimly in a mirror, but will see CLEARLY later.  (THAT is annoying!  Like my readin' glasses.  They drive me crazy, shiftin' them from the toppa my head and then right back up....)  I get dizzy...

But I DO get it, that YOU are where you are meant to be at the moment.  I get the heavenly concept, the gulf part and all of that.

But I can't quite grasp why YOU are there and ((I)) am here.  Why am ((I)) one of the parents that have to bury a child?  I would rather be there and you here, YOU having to bury me.

But, Jacky, I'm receiving into my spirit even as I write this....ANY parent that has to bury their young should be a PROUD parent, because they are chosen parents of God's ELECT, spoken of in the scriptures.  Which puts ME where? 

I don't know!  I'm still trying to figure it out, trying to study, to understand.

I feel so un'productive lately>>altho I do wake up as I have for the past year and a half (long before you died) and ask God to give me favor, HELP me be a blessing to someone in some way'shape'form'or'fashion>>be it a simple and HONEST compliment to brighten their day. or whatever.

I know that this time last year I was a real case to cause you alarm of sorts, yet you were comfortable that I was strong within God's strength>>because I CLUNG so HARD to GOD.  We didn't discuss it, yet...we did.  I did so shed more tears this time last year, asking God to move mountains, that I could never ever ever imagine him being able to move>>yet he did...

And then YOU die later, after the fact?  Oh my God!  My apple of my eye...the only one that EVER understood where I was coming from or could listen to my secrets and brace yourself not to get emotional yourself...>and go over'board with them.   You die later leaving me with more peace than (this time) last year's chaos.  That tells me something, son.  It tells me that YOU were one of God's elect, and....I'm so proud of you.  I love you so much.  You are still sooooo alive and with me.

If I could turn back time...  I wouldn't.  I would want t.o,. The temptation would be great...but I wouldn't turn back time.  I wouldn't change a second of God's plan, even if I could.  It's just another page in our lives that someone else can read, learn from>>and possibly become willing to be a cooperative and willing part of God's plan.

I'm learning>> quit expecting from God, and start DOING for him.  Be a blessing to someone in some way'shape'form'or'fashion>>>be it simply a smile or word of encouragement, letting someone out in traffic even if the light catches you at red again...JUST be a blessing to God, by simply blessing others.  Meantime, he will move  your MAJOR mountains.  It might seem that he has robbed YOU of one of your own mean'time, but no, that is Satan doing the robbing, and Christ doing the gaining.

So, Jacky.  My child!  You are Heaven's gain...

Monday, as almost every Monday since you've died, the bean pot was on in honor of you.  Got a lot of beans to divvy out, (that is abnormal, thanks to you>>you had me cooking them about four times a week...)

Anyway, that's okay.  I will split them between daddy and Larry.  The corn'bread>>gah'lay!  I can't cook enough of it now!  Corn'bread is in high demand!

John can't eat this week, (colon tests), so that means that I can play with things that he would snurl his nose at, such as dirty rice and creamed cabbage.  Creamed cabbage?  I cream everything else, so why not?  (It's a shudderin' thought...)  I will play it by....imagination.

My mind has been on young  suddenly'single mothers this month, and mainly/mostly  today...  Mother's suddenly forced into a transition for whatever reason.  God has been dealing with me, reminding me of the time, about a two year span, that....simply twenty dollars would be as hard to grasp to get a'hold on as as a million.

He has reminded me of squash soup days....

Jacky, you did not die in vain...

You were on my mind all day today, another Sunday gone without you.  I think that I liked Sundays best with you, because you would hang around the island to watch what I was doing, then assured that I WAS going to cook, you would wonder off to the living room to watch t.v. with John....then constant peeks around the door to see if the food was ready yet.  Or sometimes you would leave, only to come back just in time to eat.

I find myself wondering around the kitchen now feeling sorta helpless.  John would be happy with just a sandwich, Angie with fast food.  I always tried to figure what would make YOU happy.  Now I find my "peace" in what could possibly make others happy.  I always had peace in the kitchen, you knew that...

Lord, son, I hope that they have grocery stores and cozy kitchens in heaven!  I hope that you all are having big Sunday dinners.  Surely if manna was angel's food, then you all are eating gourmet!

Oh well, it don't matter>>I know that you are happy.  God won't allow you to see our sadness, but I'll bet that he does pass on positive messages, such as>>tell Jacky that I love him, miss him, but know that he is happy, and yes...I can move on.  Tell Jacky that I have pictures of him constantly going on monitors in several rooms, and I'll never forget his almost daily phone calls>>"Did you cook?"

Yes, perdy boy.  I will forever "cook" in honor of you, and never without you on my mind while I'm doing it.  I passed your Dutch oven on to Shane, but only because I know that he knows how to take care of it.  And will.

I love you...

Hey, Jacky, it's mama.  I guess we all recall this date in your life.  Eleven years ago, you were seventeen, and just days before your gr'ma Dot's death you practically dragged me to the nursing home, determined that we wouldn't leave until you were convinced that she was saved and go to heaven.  I'll never forget that day.  You were almost scared to pray and made me do most of it out loud, but I know, son, that inwardly you were praying your little heart out.  You were practically nose to nose with her, peering into her.

In my mind, I had doubted that she understood us, and the noise from her throat was just heart'breaking.  But as we continued to pray, I watched her eyes, so full of life, trying very hard to do her speaking for her, and we both knew it then, that she was alive within herself and trying so hard to tell us that she was, indeed, saved, and would go to heaven.  You got so excited, kept saying..."She's saying, Jesus!  Say Jesus, Mamaw!"   And sure 'nuff...she was!

Of course, I wouldn't worried about it from the get'go.  Altho she could cuss like a sailor and didn't really live the life, she had often told me that she believed in God, and recanted that was how she was raised...to believe.  I guess she just got frustrated with being poor, frustrated from lack of understanding and studying.  She just got frustrated with herself and mistakes such as we all make in life.  I think that she stayed down on herself most of her life for those mistakes, got herself into a rut, but honestly came alive with hope that day that we stood over her bed and prayed.  And your excitement, Jacky, really lit up something within her.

I think that hers and David's deaths are the ones that most impacted you, David's because he was so young and just recently dead, and hers...because she was your grandmother and you loved her deeply.  I loved her too.

Well, you're with her now, and she can speak clearly.  Let her know that we're thinking about her, and...tell little Micah that his own Nana could use a prayer for healing.  You boys are at the knee of God, so please ask him to send her a spiritual dream like he did Autumn,  or whatever it takes to give her peace.  Such as Rev. 22:5 does me: "And there shall be no night there; and they need no candle, neither light of the sun; for the Lord God gives them light; and they shall reign forever and ever."

Oh, to lose a little gr'child...a soul within our soul, our best friends from heaven, from the beginning of time.  How DEVASTATING can it get?

Watch over our Angie on her trip this weekend.  Remind our Lord that he won't put any more on us than we can bare...as my continual prayer is that I will NEVER NEVER have to bury another child.  I'm next, got my arm lifted high in the air.  I'm wayyy willing to go before my kids. Just let it be according to your perfect will, Lord, hopefully that my leaving won't be DEVASTATING to my gr'child or anyone else in my family.

I love you, Jacky!  I have comfort in knowing that you are going to be the first along with Christ to greet me when it's my time to enter the heavely gates.

Watch over our Haven too, as I know that you and the guardian angels are...

And Kiara.  Did you realize how so very smart she is?  That child could be a writer someday if she purposes it in her heart.  I'm saving your C'mas cup, and Lord!  She takes forever writing messages on your memory balloons.  Take care of her too, and that other little tiny'tot of your heart>>Levi.

(Yes, Kiara, (smile!), I will donate to your school.  Anything in particular in that brochure that YOU would like to have?)