Jacky Ralph Amos

Did my usual stock'piling today since I didn't have Haven, freezers and cupboards full.  I only bought a case of pork'n'beans tho.  We don't seem to go through them like we used to when you were around.  Maybe I'll take a fresh can to your grave'cover and tuck it beneath some flowers.  I need a cover for your picture.  I don't know why I didn't think of that, but would be easier to keep clean.

I don't know why I stock'pile anymore.  It really seems useless without you around digging for something to eat.  I used to run you out of John's beloved bologna, tell you to open a can of something or another.  Now I could kick my butt>>altho I would buy extra for the freezer so that I wouldn't have to run you out of it.  Did you know that they stopped selling that brand shortly after you died?  Serves us right, I reckon....or....did you have something to do with that?

(They didn't quit making it, Roy'Lee).  The local warehouse shut down, so I reckon we'll none of us ever eat bologna again.

I'm working on making myself healthy again, altho I think that I'm healthier NOT focusing on it.  If I don't think about it then it don't seem nearly as hard to do.  Visited the vitamin store today.  The man is just dropped'mouth about the fact that I used to be married to your daddy.

Well, that's my day, son.  You would know that if you were here.  You are in spirit, else I wouldn't be talking to you every day.

Love you.

Tomorrow for you, forever for me. 

Jacky, there are so many people out there hurting.  It's incredible to me.  The best that I can figure to do for you and God is to light candles and be a shoulder.  Light candles on your behalf, and be a light in God's behalf to those that seek comfort.

If the truth be known, I don't understand it all either, but I refuse to be whooped down.  Your death wasn't in vain.  It has truly opened my eyes to other's folk's pain...not just a headline news item sort of pain...but PAIN of LOSS.

They don't understand, and nor do I, but I DO choose to continue trusting, as Job did, (altho I can't compare, and nor want to try)!!!

Studying Isaiah 12:2 tonight, (thanks to Autumn's gift).  "I am your Salvation; trust in Me and do not be afraid.  I am your strength and your SONG."

Song.  I caught that word, looked it up in the Strong's, and it means exactly that...Song!

Okay....song means...song?

Instantly God reminded me today of my helpless smile as I watched Haven pick up on a song on Christian television today, her little arm on a high lift to God as she praised (sang) along with them.  She didn't know that I was watching her.  Who could but help but smile, especially a grandmother!

So much confusion and what'ifs and whys.  Is this what your death is all about, at least as far as ((I)) am concerned?  An eye opener to the fact that life isn't just all about praying for me and mine,living for me and myself,  but stretching out to others too?  After all, that is what we are here for, to lead the weaker ones on, strengthen others in Christ.

I was just focused on my own family when you left.  Now I have a (kinda'sorta) LOT of families in this year of new beginnings.  I can't claim to know all of the answers, but I'm sure willing to dig for them.

The old me would have said>>God, my son didn't have to die to open my eyes.  I could have figured it out all by myself, to stretch your message on beyond trying to reach my family.

God smiles down on the new me.  (Would you really?)

No, I wouldn't.  I always tippy'toed around people.  If someone didn't believe as intensely as I do, then I pretty much tippy'toed around them to keep them feeling comfortable, and then later after they left, opening that back door and telling Christ<<whew!  They're gone now.  You can come on back in.

How idiot was that???  VERY!  Now Christ is at the top of my list, first guest, first served.  If I'm half a family short for it...then so be it.

Son, thanks for constantly hanging around, especially lunch and supper'time.  And thanks for allowing yourself to be used to open my eyes to the fact that it's not just MY family that needs praying in, but soooo many others.

Thank you, Jacky, for pointing out to me that it is actually the persecutor that intends to mislead us.  I love you, apple of my eye!  I thank God for allowing you to be a part of me, and me you>>>and us HIM.

April 26, 08

Almost midnight and I'm wore out.  About fifteen more minutes and John should have the kitchen floor done, after I get my whooped self up and help him move the gr'father clock.  Charlene and Troy came over to help move the island, asked if we wanted them to hang around for the fridge>>John says no, it's on rollers....  Oh mah gah!  We should have let them help move the fridge!  Just that tiny lift up to get it onto the new floor needed more muscle than I had.  I kept telling John to use the hand'trucks, but noooo he didn't want to damage anything.  About an hour later, he gave in and used the hand'trucks, piece'a cake, no damage>>>why don't men listen to women?

Jacky, I know that I didn't tell you how much you were appreciated while you were here.  It's really bad to wait until you're in another dimension to tell you, but you really were a good GOOD son, always available to help!  I realize now just how much you've done around here, and we could always lean on your big ol' muscles. 

That bathroom floor and it's sheen was a back'breaker too, (all MY job)  and I'm not done yet.  It would have actually been easy if I had a sponge mop.  But all I have is a sponge, my knees and my back.  I've got two coats down.  I'm done for the night, tired of smelling like sweat and carrying around my Folger's porta'potty.  I reckon I'll have to go to bed without a shower, but....at least I can potty in style....

I kept so wishing that Bato was still around as I danced to John's commands, but John just grinned that no, I couldn't let Angie call him.  Then I call her to see if she's staying put for the night, and believe that?  Bato is THERE, and they were watching a movie!

Well...the work is done now.  Are you smiling, son?  I even ate a whole hamburger!  Took me three or four hours to do it...but I did.  Afterwards, tonight, me and John got so hungry that we tried a can of Progresso soup>yuk<and shared a can of ravioli.  We don't like fast food, least I don't.

I miss you so much, wouldn't live in your memorial site if I didn't.  Me and John sat around last night on a together sort'a boo'hoo....just talking about you, just missing you....  You are such a kid to be proud of.

I love you.  Tomorrow for you.  Forever for me....

Well, yayy!  Angie sold that death machine of a four'wheeler, so now I'm praying that she can trade in that seemingly death machine of a vehicle.  It might look nice, but it seens to have a devil on it's tail and an angel at the steering wheel.  'Twixt accelerators and brakes......hmmm.  Angie, you need to do what I do.  Make it a regularly twice daily habit to plead the blood of Christ over it, and ask God to drive it for you, and drive the vehicles around you.  I just absolutely KNOW that this is what happened yesterday!!  I'm glad that I said that prayer when you dropped Haven off, and I drifted back off to sleep.

Wake up, girl!  Never get behind the wheel without a prayer.  All of your vehicles (?) have tried to do you in.

Love you.  Haven loves you....

Very nice birthday, but wished that you were here.  Actually, you were.  You would have called at lunch'time and asked me was I having a good birthday.  I would have chirped>>yes, as I pondered your tiny past b'day gifts, mostly with music and locked in my grandfather clocks and curio along with some of your momentos.

Same as with Angie, tho, I would have sniffled and choked that the pollutants were getting on my bad side>>made me snap at daddy, but he needs a bite every once in awhile.  I re'grouped my attitude, and promised daddy that I would be there for him, even tho he just soooo COMMANDS it rather than nicely asks.

This year different, usually Angie providing the b'day meal, but she was working and Jenny came through.  You were at the table with us.  Do you think that we didn't sense it?

I love you, Jacky.  I can't imagine life without you, so....I'm just not living it without you.  You are soooo here, in every thought and deed.  Even when I'm alone, or it's just me and Haven or me and John or me and Tracy...you are just soooo here.  I will never let you go in spirit.  NEVER!  You're stuck with me.