Jacky Ralph Amos

Thank you, Jenny.  I've really been reaping a harvest more and more for years, just need to learn how to really enjoy it.  And, I'm not really that overwhelmed with family, just feel guilty that I'm able and willing and some of them aren't.  I feel sorry for myself mainly late at night, when it's all quiet and I can....think.

It's a harvest all within itself just to have a serene  promised peace within the loss of Jacky's death, but I still miss him, and forever will, and would be mad at myself if I didn't feel like shedding a tear over him.  I couldn't imagine a day going by that he wasn't constantly on my mind.  I would HATE that, would rather spill some tears and feel sorry for myself.  But it only lasts for about a minute.  Okay, five to twenty minutes, but....then I try to focus on being a blessing to someone....realize that I am actually>>the very ones that I complain about or feel sorry for myself for having to deal with.

Now I'm going to feel sorry for myself wishing that I had that body back!!  Look at my perdy legs!  They have such....shape!

I would light a candle for you Janis but there's not enough space for this message ,you have a lot to deal with ,but to me you are the stongest person that i know I wish Icould help you with anything with your family but I know you have the best help anyone could ask for (GOD) BUT I'm here if you need anything,Love you.Galatians 6:9LET'S NOT GET TIRED OF DOING WHAT'S GOOD.AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME WE WILL REAP A HARVEST OF BLESSING IF WE DONT GIVE UP .

On days that I feel sorry for myself, I visit other memorial sites and realize just HOW BLESSED I am (and you are, Jacky) that you died INSTANTLY.  And I feel blessed that I had you for twenty'eight years.

I woke up this morning really feeling sorry for myself, (Glenda number one on my  mind),  but as God is my witness, He can sure smile down on the fact that I shoved every "why me?" sent from the devil right back down the devil's throat.  I wake up EVERY morning determined not to let the devil get to me, even the day of your death....altho...my legs almost lost it, and my brain took a minute to realize that this was another attack that I was under...

Back when you died, and long before<<not now.  NOW is simply old habits of whining the why me's?  Why me with Glenda?  Why me with daddy?  Whyyyy me forever a grown'up having to raise grown'ups????

I even felt sorry for myself that I had to go to the dentist with Angie.  (I didn't REALLY HAVE to )>>  But as I said, I woke up, GOT up, and SHOVED all of that self'pity'me crap back down the devil's throat and decided that I would enjoy the day.

I did!!!!  While Angie was getting a back tooth doctored, me and Haven enjoyed long plaza walks back and forth, first starting breakfast at Mc'Donald's where she fluttered my heart at the slide, then a browse around (outside Hobby Lobby that wouldn't open yet, thank goodness), down to Big Lot's and the outside car thingie that I have plenty of quarters for....then to the Dollar Store....where Haven spent my last few dollars...

Time passed fast, and pleasantly along with the rising morning sun.  Got up to almost seventy degrees.  I can live with that!!

Truly, this morning was something that both Haven and myself needed>>a day of blissful sunshine, PLAY, and>>>DON'T step on the cracks in the side'walk<<according to her.

I guess that I want to thank you, Angie...for tricking me>>altho for your own  selfish reasons.  All that you had to say was that you were afraid of the shot business>>I would have been there for you.

I feel like a Haven'droop once I get home, tho.  Home.  Back to reality.  John says that Mrs. Dixion has been calling, which means "Glenda" business again.  I can't get back ahold of the woman to see what's up, but...

Yesterday, Glenda's mental health person worker said that Glenda had an illness that wasn't going to go away.  Meaning that ((I'MMMMM)) the ONE stuck dealing with it?  Like, as in...FOREVER?  Oh my God!!  Where is the relief?  I've been stuck dealing with this sort of sickness since I was fifteen years old.  WHERE is the relief?

In Christ.

Knowing that I'm able...because God gave me a strong mind.  I'm blessed.

I sigh.

Every time that I want to feel sorry for myself, I count the so many ways that I'm blessed.  Even losing you, Jacky.  I read other memorial sites, happenings of other's deaths...and yet I have to praise God that I'M BLESSED, YOU ARE BLESSED...that you died instantly.  You are where you are meant to be.

And you went EASY.

I thank God so much for my blessings!

Jacky, I feel so lonely without you tonight.  All day, actually.

I'm a gen'bugger, have trailed court records and cemeteries in search of our past, and I think that made you proud of me.  I have stood over many family graves back from the 1800's, peering over the graves of children, wondering how the mothers and fathers took it, their deaths.  What had been said, done, felt at those very grave'sites the day of burials?

Having read various memorial sites here, and after experiencing losing you, I realize that there are soooo many emotions and handling of grief.

A friend (gen'bugger) from London mailed to ask how I'm doing.  I explained all of the ways that I'm staying fine, ways that I'm trying to be productive.  He mailed back and said that, yes, I'm staying strong in so many ways, but must be lonely in a strange sort of way.

And he's RIGHT.  My days are so up and down.  I feel so UN'productive while yet feeling productive at the same time...  But I feel like I'm constantly waiting for something.  I realize now that it is YOU that I'm waiting for.  You are a breath away>>a last breath away for me, be it even fifty years from now.

I will take gen'buggin' more seriously anymore.  If ever a day comes and my time gets to be my own again, I will scout those cemeteries and stand over those graves with experience, rather than imagination.  What is it like to lose a child?

Take an arm away>>>and trying re'training your body to work without it.  Take a heart'string away....  Try functioning without a piece of yourself.  It can be done along with the peace of Christ, but in the flesh, it will always be a challenge.

So, when I get back to gen'buggin someday, and I ponder a grave and the emotions that rained over it that specific day...I know that I have more experience than imagination.

I could punch your lights out, son, for buying that motorcycle.  But...I don't have to.  That thing was about the only thing able to punch your lights out.

I love you sooooo much.  I WILL see you again, tomorrow for you, whenever for me....

Cracking over your memory of Jacky, Jenny.  So that was this time last year?  I remember it well, Jacky coming home and talking about Dot's sisters, how sharp'minded they are to be their ages.  He was so excited.  He knows that I'm a gen'bugger, but I told him that HE would have to gen'bug Dot's line since I had my own to focus on again (once I do a Havenly retire).  He really took an interest, and kept going back to the pics of a young Dot & family that he had/still does, in my computer.  We were AMAZED at sooo how Ralph is almost identical to Dot's daddy.  He kept plundering me on the basics, such as Dot's maiden name>>he never could remember it.

I can see him annoying Kiara!!  He would call it pay'back from when she was younger and took over the t.v. when he lived with Tony and Crystal!  Kinda like...Haven takes over all of the remotes here now.  She hides them, especially around five o'clock when me and John want to watch Doctor Phil and SHE wants Sponge'Bob happening in every room.

I have that same picture>>I think that I was nine months pregnant.  Maybe eight.  Every time that I go to town for the last ten years or so, I ALWAYS short'cut down Douglas Street and look at that tree and recall being pregnant with Jacky as I leaned against it on a pose.  Yes, the house is gone, my very FIRST house, but those trees that had long arms and scrubbed the house in the lightest breeze still stand. (Scary at night, home alone). But  I loved those trees.  Now they are living memories.

I sure did love that house too....  I think we lived there about nine months.  I cried like a baby when that preacher evicted us because Ralph's name showed up in the newspaper after being in a fight.  Altho he was just defending himself and his family, we wouldn't good examples of a church.  Hmmm...that's not what I call a church, sorry to say.

But all worked out for the good.  I wouldn't be owning this if YOU hadn't snuck in an application for our home loan.  I would never have believed that kids as young as us would have ever qualified for a loan!  Just teenagers, we were!  Life is amazing!