Jacky Ralph Amos

God,

Tell Jacky I love him, bring ease over his/our family as his 1 year anniversiary comes up. I pray that it is  celebrated with JOY and HAPPINESS, that you bless us all with JOY! We know Lord where he is at and where he belongs through your WILL, and we respect that/respect you for that. I pray Lord for our country, for our spriits and for you Lord to feed ME the word, the knowledge, that I am seeking to make me understand and to make me grow/abide/and be spriitually fullfilled. Am I ready for you? If you came tomorrow would I go with you? YES! Am I ignorant about a lot of your word, is there a lot I have to learn, can I sprirtualy grow, and can I still lead others and take others with me? YES! Am I  willing. YES! I have fear, and I see prophecies is the Bible happening before my eyes and it's making me crave to dig deap into your word and learn, teach my child, and just make sure that people ALL people I love and need love understand too. I love you Amanda Lee, I respect you. I love you Momma, you are my everything. I have put you through ALOT but you have stood strong and molded/ made me into who I am. We were all we had (and God) at one time. I don't know what I would do without you. Lord, give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek and tell him it's from me..... I want you to see that purdy boy smurk=)

Hey, baby girl, Amanda!  (Thanks a million times for setting up and paying for Jacky's site).  Where do your feelings go from here?  Are they inappropiate<<that don't sound spelt right, but I'll go along with it.

Is it wrong to continue loving Jacky?  No, because God is a spirit, a God of LOVE.  Thank him that his love never dies for US.  God's love never dies for us, nor the love that passes on from this earth from us. (They remember us...as they remember the life before us, the life each of us lived/served before we came here...)  That's HARD stuff to digest, but...go study.  He (God) knew us before we were even put into our mama's womb.

I'm watching my daddy die a lonnnng sloooow death.  I'm miserable, emotionally, pretty much exactly one year to the day that Jacky was killed.

If I've asked God once this past year, I've (HUMBLY) asked him a thousand times...WHY CAN'T I HAVE AN EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL BREAK????  WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME, IF ANYTHING AT ALL??  (Daddy's death has been trying to peak since...last early May.  I'm still not finished with Jacky's business, investments and such...I'm too busy being thrown into a pit of chaos that daddy's world is demanding of me.

It's not like the first emotional crisis that I've been through, daddy dying.  I think that the worse for me, and constantly on Jacky's mind (here), was my nephew, David, dying, sooo YOUNG.  We lived an entire year of misery, hope, faith, yet...the final.  He was only two months older than Jacky, died of cancer at age fifteen.  Jacky often kept him lifted up to memory, at least in this house, just soooo wanting to do something special, such as putting a picture on his grave.  (Well, he accomplished it.)

Next came my mama, gr'ma and uncle....

Jacky was there, fully supportive....not only his physical existence, but financially too....  He put his two cents in any way that he could figure to manage to drum up a dime.

As I said, I HUMBLY ask God every day, when can I have an emotional break?  I don't talk to Jacky>>he's not allowed to see our pain.  (He may be allowed to see our joy, or at least get ear of it...not sure...still scripture searching....  But I KNOW that he's not allowed to see our pain...)  That's just established in my heart, and what is established in my heart...is...Scripture...

That's MY heart, tho, baby girl.  It could be a whole new other
"establishment" in YOUR heart....break out the Greek, Chaldean, Hebrew bible dictionaries/condorances and see....and really study.

FAITH is purely what is in God's promises, how/what you take from His Word, and how you establish it in your heart.

FAITH shows Jacky CLEARLY the love the you have for him...  The love that ((I)) have for him.  Not a morning goes by that I don't wake up and pray to God for my daily bread....yet, also, send messages to Jacky in some way THRU HIM.

Thru CHRIST.

It's not innapropiate?

What's the reason, then?  WHY love someone that you  can't hold on to?  Why can't you let go?  Why were you stuck loving them in the first place?  Why were they given to you, only to be ripped away?    I can see the old, like daddy....but WHY the young...???

Well...you tell me.  For one, keep reading the Bible.

For another....

Experience.

God uses our experiences, only the folks that he feels that he can trust...to help better enable others....  Because WE understand where HE  (God) is coming from, and where Jacky IS at the moment.

Experience.

You don't stop living, just because someone that you loved most has died.  You turn it into giving.  You turn living into giving.

You give...and you give...and you give...until you turn giving BACK INTO THEM living....to "feel" like living.

LOVE your husband...he's been there for you, the best I can see/figure.

LOVE Jacky too, the old memorie.  (That's okay.  My John of twenty years loved his former wife once...he still has feelings for her (memories)...I still have feeling for Jacky's dad), mainly because they are parents of our children.  Nothing romantic all'round, but at this point in our lives....who can kill the love of family?

Who can kill true LOVE?

Nobody.

God IS love.

That is what the true spirit  of life, especially Jacky's life now...is all about.

Love.

To daddy's credit, he is feeding the hungry.  Two big truck'loads of food sent to the projects, (several families),  plus another load sent elsewhere.  These people are warned that it's outdated, but they say that this is what they are used to getting from food pantries, just not so much at one time.  They are truly grateful, and there are loads more to send their way.

I say a prayer over it, ask God to bless every bite of it and not let it hurt anyone, because our intentions are good.  It's incredible how many hungry people are out there.  I sent Leroy's mama, age 93, a bowl of home'made squash soup. (fresh squash_  Leroy said that she's cooked everything under the sun, but never squash soup.  I had to smile.  Mama cooked squash soup when we were ever so down on our luck...that even beans must have been hard to come by.  (I do have to say that I fancied up Mama's squash soup a little, but...I have the means to do that...praise God!)

I guess that's why I'm such a food person, and love catering.  We never had much at all growing up.  When I married and met Dot, watched how she managed on a budget, yet eating was GOOD...watched and watched and watched her cook...making from scratch things to taste good from simple basics that she had on hand....  It just lit a fire in me, I guess.  At that time, I couldn't even boil an egg, much less fry one.

But all of that is beyond the point of my love of catering.  The canned goods that daddy has stocked up over the last.....maybe eight years...is going to feed the hungry.  I grew up hungry.  I know how it feels, the gratitude of receiving.  The joy of receiving.  (Food, clothes...whatever...)

Now God blesses me and shows me the gratitude of giving.  I SURE love giving...so yes, pray over EVERY bit that leaves that or this house.

Our country may be in a crisis.  Our God sure isn't. 

There have always been hungry people in the world, even in our nation.  Sometimes, I wonder it, ESPECIALLY our nation.

But God is always in charge, and works the good from the bad, finding folks to feed folks....

Such as me.  I've been fed in so many ways, not just food'wise, over the years.  But physically, mentally, emotionally....and most importantly...spiritually.

The ninty'three year old woman with one kidney<<the woman that can walk a quarter mile, but no more than that....the woman that still randomly cooks (from the can), such as salmon patties, etc...<<the woman that demands her radio be set each morning, and especially Sunday mornings...(she now has a t.v., thanks to Brad>she can WATCH it, those sermons), the woman that PRIDES herself for living where she does, in the projects, (proud of it), for thirty years now and providing for her family STILL.....a couple of kids that are mentally disabled...  baby in her fifties....

She's HAPPY!

She's happy.

And that is what it's all about.  Finding God, meeting him where we are, and being content.  Being happy.

We have to meet him where we are, and choose to be happy...CHOOSE to be happy...one day at a time.  He sees what we do with the little bit that he allows, and gradually blesses us with more, more, more....  Complaining sure will get us no where.  Nor whining.  Nor self'pity.  I've very much learned this lesson over the last twenty years of my life.

Yet storms still come.  Pain happens.  We just have to learn how to deal with it, and without his word...it's no use trying. 

Anything negative, CAST it!  Toss it to the dump, no matter how valuable it is to you.  (Spiritually speaking...thoughts, number one.)

They will be putting daddy back on thin liquids as of today.  I don't know if it was because of my phone call yesterday or what, but I sure will feel quilty if he were to get pneumonia and suffer....

Grrrr!  Can't win fer losin' seems, but God does always work it out for the best...

A good GOOD friend of yester'year called, saying that Larry had told her sister that I was begging to get in touch with her.  WHAT????

Glad it all happened like that, tho.  Her daddy died pretty much like mine is going. I recall him.  TINY little man'person, healthy.  I can imagine how tiny he was once dead, probably not seventy pounds, when hospice set in.  She agreed.  He was...tiny.  Like my daddy, had to be turned every thirty minutes.

Well...I can't even budge my daddy on a sheet'tug, much less turn him.  John barely managed to budge him on a sheet'tug.   Daddy won't get his dying wish>>>to go HOME....to die.  Because of US.  There's not enough muscle power....

I'm sorry, and I'm sad about it.  I'm even MAD about it.

Even drink too much lately...

But each day that I wake up,  I force myself to decide that "this is the day that the Lord has made, I will be glad and rejoice in it...."

And you know<?  I truly DO!

I love planning for events, donating,  feeding the hungry....just doing....(exhausting job, but ful'filling).  Just doing. 

Just doing...

Spent the evening with daddy's uncle Dee.....So frail... (almost ninty).

We filled two big buckets of walnuts from daddy's tree...  (Reckon he will REALLY crack them and do something with them?)  Last year he would have, but this...is ...a...new...year. 

The plan...tomorrow...after under'construction here ends fairly early...we will take Gr'Uncle Dee'Wit to see daddy, because..."I shuh would love to see him one mo'ah time..."