Jacky Ralph Amos

I try to think what I would do special if I had just one more day with you, but I can't think of anything.  We had such a good relationship, such a perfect one...you would call many times and come over for lunch and we would talk, then later in the evening you would most always just come on in and help yourself to supper, and after wards step out here with me and get on the computer while I watched t.v and smoked you up (you didn't complain)....and we would talk, mostly Bible stuff or family stuff.  Sometimes we would just sit on the porch in the rockers and watch the wild'life.  It was just such a laid'back and easy going relationship that I wouldn't do anything "special" if I could have you visit just one more day.  EVERY day was special.  I would just love it if I could have one more of those special days.

On second thought, I DO have one special thing that I would like to do with you>>sit beside you at your Oak Leaf Church, along with the rest of your family.  Then we would come home and finish the day in our typical special way of togetherness....

I get SO excited when I get into a praise mode in the spirit.  Yeah...I said PRAISE mode, not prayer mode.  Prayer mode gets me into an asking and expecting mode, (a waiting mode),  but a praise mode gets me exactly what I expect to get INSTANTLY when I fall into a PRAYER mode>>>receiving<<I get in a prayer mode to receive something, but the praise mode instantly fulfills me, and I know that any prayer that I have in my heart is a desire of my heart that God has heard and INSTANTLY ful'filled by the praise mode.  In other words, when I'm in the praise mode, I don't care to focus on my "prayers"  or "heart desires" anymore.  They're not so big and important anymore, (those prayers), I can toss those "cares" onto God and go into a praise mode, because>>when I do that praise thingie, I get really caught up into it>>>God literally swells with delight as my praise is like an incense (perfume) floating clean up into heaven...(it's there in his word)...and he instantly fulfills me with joy, awe, wonder, comfort, joy, laff'ter.... to the point that those desires of my heart that I've been PRAYING for are insignificant compared to those feels of DEPTH of LOVE that he instantly rewards me with.  Depth of love that HE is receiving from me, he is instantly returning.

And the prayers become insignificant, or put on the back'burner of sorts because...he PROMISES that if you abide in him and his WORDS abide in you, then he WILL give you the desire of your heart!  Recall, Jacky, long ago, that God explained this "desires of your heart" business.  HE PUTS THEM THERE.  They aren't really YOUR desires.  They are HIS.  That's why he promises that you surely WILL receive them, those desires, (answered prayers), but only if you follow the "if's" (abide in him, and his word abides in you), and don't get impatient>>recall that patience is a fruit of the spirit.  The fruit, (your prayers/answers) won't be plucked from the vine before it's ripe.  (Before you reach a spiritual maturity of sorts to pluck it, eat it, enjoy it...after praising God for it first, of course!)

Okay, how can this Janice'person STILL be so in love with God when he took her son...  ?

He didn't take my son!  Satan tossed a stone in Jacky's path, my path, hoping to trip us up.  I mean, after all, we were getting too deep in this "God" business for the devil's comfort.  (Read the book of Job...)  That devil had already been on a hell and damnation path of trying to rock and reel me before Jacky even died, (wouldn't he, Jacky?), and I was kickin' him in the bawls left and right>>>and I reckon taking you was his figure of a kick in the gut back>>>>>>>>>>only to damn himself even more.

See, this battle of the flesh and spiritual is really real.  Jacky is HOME.  And so am I, only in this dimension.  But our connection, via God, is a love connection, a true spiritual connection that keeps me receiving (via God, via praise) little love'connection tid'bits of Jacky's life now....as we compare to mine now...together.  We're still soooo together!  (Jacky, I know that God is allowing you a glimpse of me this end...and I KNOW that you are proud, and smiling...and HAPPY with praise to the Lord>>and it's my PRAISES (not prayers) mingled with YOUR PRAISES to God>>that is allowing me to get a glimpse, allowing me to see, feel even a more strong joy....and ability to keep a mama's eye on you, even tho you don't need it now).

Yeah, my boy, we rolled up our sleeves and kicked the devil's hiney!  You managed to get ahead of me, but....I don't care if you are dead another hundred years before I so call die according to earth's timing>>>it will simply be TOMORROW for us, that we meet again.  God has painted this picture CLEARLY within my spirit>>and this is how I can feel so in love with him, my God, my love connection with you and DAVID!  And forever be so in love with you.

I'll leave earth too and so'call die with my "flaws", areas that I fall short, same as you did, same as we all will>>>>>but like your departure, the devil will sure need looser britches, because as you said, what the persecutor meant for bad, God meant for GOOD.

I said it once, I'll say it again.  You are doing more for our Lord from where you are now, than where you were before your accident.  But I don't care how long I live here, I'll miss your physical presence....just can't imagine that I'll miss your spiritual presence...because we have that awesome LOVE connection.  God is LOVE.  And the timing as far as I'm convinced, is simply tomorrow.  I will see you tomorrow.

Meantime, I'm still here in this dimension.  Angie will laff that I was scared of Glenda's apartment....

I wouldn't scared of her apartment, Angie!  I just couldn't figure what up'stair window you was looking at, so stopped mid'stair to get my bearings.  And, uhhhh.....the devil IS after me, you know!  He would use a meth'head in a two'bit second>>>unless he's too stupid (AGAIN) to realize that he would be robbing the world of someone that could benefit the world MORE upstairs>> than from downstairs...

I can only but imagine that God uses me in such a mighty manner that he is using Jacky, after I'm so'called gone...

I love you, Jacky!  You were so mature.  GOD is SO AWESOME!

I got off track of what I really meant to write...

But there's always tomorrow!

God willing....

i love  u jacky  your my favorite couisn

jacky is sweet  an nice  miss him alot

your my  only sunshine

p.s. kiera  to.jacky  i  miss u alot

A year ago this week, I wrote this to my barn:

"I can't recall what I was preachin' to Tracy last night, but her come'back (about the time that Jacky was passing through the room) was that I didn't understand, kids her age were going to make mistakes.

"Jacky, ready for his jog, did a '"whoa'up!"'  Before I could continue my preaching, he told Tracy that was an '"EXCUSE"', a "'COP OUT.  When you know right from wrong and do something WRONG and get CAUGHT, then you can't EXCUSE that MISTAKE.  Mistakes are when you ACCIDENTLY screw up, and you LEARN from that experience"'

"Me and Tracy are both dropped'mouthed at that point.  I'm proud of that boy.  He's GOOD!  He's gone be a preacher like his mama!"  written Jan 24, ' 07

Those were your words, Jacky.  I'm just scowering my barn for memories a year ago, two year ago, three year ago, four year ago (to date) memories about you.  I just get too a'sleepy after scouring through the thousands of barn'journal notes...and yawn hard after the one year ago search.  Can't quite stay awake for the two years ago to'date searches...

But, I want to show off your wisdom at such a young age.  I want to remember it.  It just helps me to know why God wanted you to be his warrior.  There is a finale of a fight to be fought, an end'time for this earth as we see and live it now.  Three'dimensional...>>we will all soon be back to that Garden of Eden, where you now dwell.  I don't think that we literally get a mansion in heaven.  Mansion means resting place.  Christ is our resting place.  We can have that here on earth, be there where you are now, in that resting place of Christ.   If we would be just reach out and receive...

You are no more far away from us than Christ>>our resting place.  It's all in the spirit.  You just got a quick bounce into the next dimension where you can see him, see all things spiritual more clearly.

'Nite, son.

I recall the last time that Glenda had to go, back in early October, the month that Jacky died.  He called me on the way back to work after lunch here and told me that she was standing on the road...just standing there.  He knew that I was facing the same decision that I faced today, and had been stalling for time, trying to pray God's best for the situation.  I wasn't surprised when an officer brought her to my door a couple of hours later, (ohhhh, but I was dismayed>>>why always ME?),  and we coaxed her to voluntarily give herself up via ER.  Of course I was the one that had to take her, since the officer "found" meeeee.

Okay, I realized that life isn't all about meeee, and so began immediately praising God for his hand in that situation, the fact that she would be sent where she needed to be without me having to go to the extreme measures that I've had to before...and had to today.  I even praised God that it wasn't me in her situation, since he pointed out that everybody needs somebody at some point in time, and I should be grateful that I was where I was, and not where she was.  I should get off the self'pity kick and be grateful that I was able>>>because no matter how inconvenienced we are, we are at that inconvenience because we are more BLESSED than the one that has to inconvenience us.  That hit home hard with me, and I immediately sat up to attention realizing that I should be grateful that I was ABLE!  Everytime that I wished to complain about something since year 2006, God reminds me to be grateful that I'm able....  And so I took her off the officer's hands and took her to the ER, and got blasted by an ER nurse because I had Haven with me and "that woman" shouldn't be around children....  I left on a sigh and another guilt trip, because>>>God, here is a cop dumping her off onto me and Haven, and I didn't wanna do this anyway, and her therapist comes in playing with Haven and blowed up gloves for balloons<<which all seems okay to the therapist, and...and...therapist leaves>>>then I get blasted, like I'm some sort of bad gr'ma...

I left  on a self'pitying mutter of sorts to you, God, (after a mini'tongue'snap back at the nurse), and then passed the therapist, who hadn't really left yet at all.  He asked what's up, and I told him, and he wilted like me, figuring that (head) nurse needed anger management classes...

I stopped>>>and I cracked up!  Here I was listening to you, God, and this therapist of the mentally ill on MY side against a pre'menopausal head nurse that probably needed some major B'6 and essential oils therapy.  It put me in mind of the book that I once told Tracy that I would write when I was able to retire....you know, alone in my golden years or whatever.  It would be titled, 'Are You Laffin' With Me, Gawd?'

I always ask that when you stir my spirit into laff'ter.  You always do that when you stir my spirit into obedience, Lord, and it seems to fail, but yet comes out right in the long run.  You remind me, and show me the humor along the way.  Tracy always reminds me too, that I'm to write that book.  I reckon it will get written>>I've sure got lots of documentation.  Whether I see it published or not, I always said was up to Jacky.  I thought that Jacky was the only one that cared about my scribbles.  But...not so.  Tracy cares about scribbles.  She's a book'worm, like myself, and desires to constant scribble...like myself.

Back to today.  I've been stalling for time, but finally coaxed today (seemingly) by her social worker.  She won't go where I wish that she could go, but a place that has many life'time memories that aren't good ones at all.  She will for a second time go where our Mama had to endure so many years at.  Not that Glenda will have to suffer such as that>>YEARS<<(I hope not, unless she's happy there), which she won't be.  Last and first time there for her was a nightmare for both of us....

What a horrific place!  I pray that I did and followed God's will, because I sure dragged along asking for it, asking for him to pave the way.  Burying your child isn't nearly as hard as doing such as this, so long as your conscience is clear with your child.  Doing something like this is about the hardest thing that a person has to do.  It's like...burying someone alive.  Not a nice feeling at all.

I pray that God gives Glenda the peace that he gave me when you were killed, Jacky, and the the peace that he continued me on after.  I pray that he gives ME the peace (Glenda'wise), that he gave me when you were killed...

I prayyyyy for Glenda.  You all pray too, please.  Jacky, I know that you are.  You know what I went through each time this happened.

I love you, son.  I'm still "scribblin'" for you.