Jacky Ralph Amos

I finally gave in and took your ornaments off the tree, putting them in special first'year ornament boxes.  Your tree was really thirsty!  I will put it back after it enjoys it's good dosing of water, along with the video photo that I got for you.  I want to see the many images of you every day.  Autumn was good enough to put them on a memory card for me.  She and your daddy love you more than you ever knew, she going through and collecting all of the latest pics of you that she can find and putting them on a memory stick.  She has also made some awesome bookmarkers with your pictures and a pretty poem on back.  I have a few to hand out for our bibles.  I think that she is going to make more and print your poems on back, once I send her the poems.

You got a compliment at the bank the other day that would bring that perdy boy grin.  I was telling one of the tellers what I missed most about you, the small every day casual things, and she interrupted with>>And he was good to look at too!  Everybody knows you, everywhere that I go...and so far they are all young women.  No wonder you never got married. 

Another young man, twenty'five, was killed on his motorcycle yesterday.  I don't know his name yet, but I'm praying for his family too.

Hmmm...you and Roy'Lee havin' fun at that fire, or what?

I give, and always have, according to that which God has meted out to me. (Don't forget, God gives us access to builders'so'called'bargains..)

But,  it's somewhere in the Bible, a command, actually, to give>>and God will return in good measure, pressed down, shaken together...  It's somewhere there in the Bible.  I may have forgotten the verse, but I recall the principal behind the verse.

The "giving" began after divorce, and a true scraping of pennies.  We had to get free lunch for Angie, but...I sure did hate so bad to see her watching other kids eat fifty'cent ice'cream that we couldn't afford.  So, after working at that Sample company at five bucks an hour (could'a done better at Pizza Hut), I would come home and help Esther's brother detail cars for about two hours, for five dollars, to get to work on the next day, and Angie's ice'cream money.  It was HARD, and altho I was making more money than Christy, she seemed to be whizzin' through life.  I asked her how this could be, and....she taught me her principal of money via Malachi, (old testament) management that was taught to her>>>tithe first, give second, and you'll eat, drink and be merry.

That's the way that she seemed to live life, a little silly to me, but....I got interested in that and began reading the bible even while I lived by HER so'called principal, and at the same time, taught it to Jacky, once he came back here to live.  I tried to teach it to Angie too.  Before we even met God, we was digging up pennies>>LITERALLY<<from under and inside the couch>>loved visitors, we did>>>but we literally dug up fifty more cents a day for ONE only single child in her class'room that had to sit around watching the rest eat ice'cream.

Life seemed to get swiftly beyond squash soup after that, me thithing what I felt I didn't have to tithe, ability to dig up fifty cents a day (beyond tithe, and giving) for that one child an ice cream so that he could feel to fit in and not have his taste buds drool like I refused to let Angie's.  I know that she suffered clothes'wise, but in my opinion at that time, I was happy that she had a shirt on her back...  That boy's mama sought me out at the end of the school term, scared me, the look on her face>>thought that she was gonna sock me or something!  But she hugged me.  Thanked me.  Literally loved me.  (That was Christ, in her, hugging me and loving me.  Same as you, now, thanking me and loving me.  Same as I am to you, thanking you, loving you, appreciating you and Tony and Chrystal for the special moments, the awesome little Jacky treasures and family support that over'whelm me>>>MEMORIES that money can't buy!  Your fire'place will go to the next home'owner.  MY gifts....will be treasured forever, by someone in the family...

I've been giving ever since my once'upon'a'time'chaos, because God gradually, but really seemingly quickly brought me to not only being a moral and giving person, but a moral and STABLE person.  He knows my heart, I'm not going to put money or gifts into a situation that the devil would/could literally take control.  I'm absolutely NOT a free'spender, and never will be.  But I'm a giver, and always will be.  Why?  Because God is a giver.  Take for example....I simply loved blue china.  I always asked God for a simple dish in my Bargain'Basement business for me to take home...and he gave it, a simple odd dish here and there for some months.  THEN....he rewarded me with a four'thousand'dollar'plus box that blew my mind.  I only wanted one dish to display, and he gave me EIGHT ($60 apiece value) dishes plus ALL of the fringe benefits....  He gave me all of that, myself unknowing that, and us paying a simple dollar for the entire ca'boodle.  I just has asked for a dish...  It's still around, growing in value..

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As for the cooking part...  You've not been around!  This is my life since about...let me see....I guess about....my family started getting sick and dropping like flies since about 1999.  There you go...Jacky seemed to be looking forward to every funeral that came around, and kept me cooking on into the next one!

(Just kidding!)  I've been cooking for sick family members since about 1999, trying to heal them actually, but also the healthy ones on a regualr basis, and ALWAYS go all'out holidays.  Don't feel guilty. This is just us.  We've not deposited a cent of Jacky's insurance or court stuff, so....it's not like we're trying to get rid of it as quick as we get it, or anything like that.  It's just fun seeing what somebody wants or needs, and thanking God that we have the ability to GIVE it,  GIVE back to HIM just a pea'size tad of what he has given to us over the years...  (Your to'go plates to me, before today, REALLY are a blessing that you can't imagine.  I've enjoyed the last bunch that you freely gave, and appreciate these...  And I was really fretting about more.  But there is no way that I could stir myself away to fight traffic to look for more.  I hate traffic..

As for my cousin.  I said  that I was going to write a yesterday memory on a today note.  Let me just end this thought now, (omitting that discussion), asking prayer over all involved in that accident.

God!  Every time that I see the word or mention of fatality>>>I want to break down, but can easily lift myself up instantly on from that cry, and lean to my comforter...

Pleaseeeeeee>>let us ALL, as Jacky's family, stand united in prayer for each and every person involved in that accident.  Let NO ONE be absent of forgiveness, and may we all recall that,  if we haven't personally been there for a moment, that someone that we love sure has.  Pray for that little boy, his girl'friend, and any of their mama's that might need it.  Pray for their mamas, at least.

That's<giving.  Giving, doesn't necessarily mean that something cost money.

You know its been the hardest times i've ever endured since you have went home its almost like a part of me left with you. Its so hard to think that your gone  we were always each others protector growing up (ME, an instigator in most situations) but thats just how it was at the time! But over the last year or so on the road i walked away from most confrontation and believe me i had plenty of it with john working with me. You and me both shared this mentality like we were invincible, in actuality you are the one that is a HERO. You mean so much to alot of people and i know your watching over us - we truly do have the best guardian angel anyone could ask for.

    There was two things you always asked me to do with you -

1. going to the gym

    in which i always said (slave labor) - involves work without a paycheck

     I still feel the same way about that one like you didnt know that

and the other

2. going to church - i always said maybe call me

Well i have been going when im in town  i just wish i could have went with you is my only regret, your Mom is so true you really are working from above. Which i have been enjoying  the church. It makes me feel at ease, like you are there sitting with us smiling.   I believe that if i continue to follow the light being cast from your wings  we shall see each other again. Just watch over me dont let me stray to far.

    Something else i thought was funny  remember when you show me those muscle magazines and said one day it was going to read Famous Amos

Me, Crystal and the kids were in the car, and Kiera says Daddy  "Me,You and Bryson are all Famous Amos'es"  which i was like well whats Mommy and she said "Oh she's just an Edwards.  Crystal didnt laugh to much  but i got a kick out of it

I hope that you are having the time of your next life  i feel alot better now that i have wrote you - tell Hot Dot we still love her and miss her

Love Always,

   Your Cousin

Bless you Janis and John I cant seem to get over the reason of why yall gave us the gift  this weekend and i just dont know how much to thank yall and you should take my money cause i feel guilty about accepting it but i know you have agood reason for this but i cant thank you enough and you said you cook us that meal to get us over there and i was feeling bad because you seemed to be cooking alot lately and I was thinking you need to take abreak and rest,But I know who keeps you together and you are Truly BLESSED Thank John for all he has done for us and Tony too. We Love yall alot  too .

One year ago today, according to my Barn journal>>which I need to get back into routine participating in...  But one year ago today I was stressing in an incredible way over particular family members.  It's odd, Jacky, that was about the time that you were going to decide that YOU weren't going to stress anymore, that you were going to give up and let the feathers fall where they may.  You really didn't give up, did you, son?  Within the last month of your life, you suddenly had an urge to spend almost an entire day with your pa'paw.  You sat on the porch with him for hours, chose to eat his own'stle home'cooked supper of hot'dawgs (nuked weenies),  and canned chilli with him, helped him get a little muscle'required work done.  At the time, I wondered if it was because I wouldn't home that aimed you his way for some off'the'wall reason....or just that you were aimed there for some....off the wall reason.  Whatever the reason, daddy was very surprised and bragged about it, even brought it up the days of your death.  I was surprised too, but now I'm not.  You probably didn't even know why you were led to go there at the time, but I recall you even telling me about it, YOU even thoughtful at the wisdom and knowledge that pa'paw has regarding the Bible, and life....and how good the nuked weenies and canned chilli was..

Whew!  Son!  He's still the same ol' same ol' that wears us out!  He might have a lot of wisdom and knowledge, but as usual, he surrrrrre don't exercise it!  He continues to go against the grain of that wisdom.... 

I thought at the time that visit was more for him, maybe he was on his last leg or something, because he was soooo touched by it.  But now, I know that visit was for you.  It was a good'bye from you that you weren't even expecting yourself.  Just as last conversations between you and me were last good'byes>>>except that I thought that I would be the one going first...  Our last weeks together were last good'byes.  (Personally, yours and mine).   I see it in so many ways now.  The last days, especially the last two, were true TRUE good'byes.  Again, I thought that it would be me to go....hoping that YOU would remember....our last moments together.

Oh!  You, boy!  I soooo miss our daily conversations!  But that's okay, we'll have more>>>just as I will get back into my Barn pattern of daily journaling.

Anyway, one year ago today, I was stressing over family, Glenda one in particular, and relayed a detailed dream that I had to my barn.  I often hid from Glenda, fretted about her knocking on the door, was mean to her when she did because....well, because like daddy, she exhausted me.  Just in my mind, the expectation of her and what she would do/come up with next, put ME on the spot to HAVE to do...  The dream unfolded into the same ol' same ol'>>>except at the end of it, she ran off as some shaggy ol' dog that fled this neighborhood.

I now see, in part, the true meaning of the dream.  When you died, all that could possibly stress me died with you.  No, Glenda isn't a shaggy ol' dawg to be snubbed.  She's actually no problem, and VERY easily handled when I saw that I could CHOOSE to actually love her, and not dis'claim or shame her.  Or be ashamed of her.

Same as daddy.  He is a character, and one that I choose NOT to live with in my home...but willing to, and with a merry heart if that's the way that his destiny is aimed, to be taken care of by a child of his, a child of God.  GOD is my daddy.

When you died, Jacky, my heart began opening up to people that I rejected, altho I was working on that an entire year before you died>>and you know that, because we discussed that.  You were asking God, too, to work with you and your feelings regarding family...and when and where to give up.

(We never gave/give up, do we?  At least not in'the'flesh)

If I hadn't had last moments of sorts such as that with you, then I don't think that I can/could have given you up, in the spirit.

Everlasting...your mama