Jacky Ralph Amos

Well...Mother's Day is coming up and I'm shy of a child, but not whooped in spirit, because I choose not to be.  I will buy myself the lily that (I always received from you) for Mother's Day, and this time I will plant it, rather than breed it in pots to give away.  I will fight it every year of my life, because....I never told you this, but lilies are like harlots>> pretty, but just don't know when to quit.  (Told my barn that once, when you gave me another one of those pretty ladies. )  Not kiddin' son, them pretty ladies multiply like bunnies, I've suffered my battles with them, so took to putting them in pots to send elsewhere.  Sharing, I called it.  Maybe that makes me a lily myself!

In all sincerity, I'm glad that you gave me a lily every year.  At least I know what I would have gotten from you.  A lily.

This mother's day will be really special for me.  Lilies will take on a whole new meaning.  They really are pretty, graceful...and they just desire to spread their beauty.  I will dig up it's babies and continue to share, but this one lily will remain forever>>>and it will!<<<to remind me of YOU. 

Soooo much planted in your memory....

I've been preparing myself for Mother's Day...preparing my mind, my spirit.  Some say that the holidays are the hardest to endure, some say birthdays....

I'd like to meet the idiot that decided to have a Mother's Day.  I know it was probably some sort of sales scam to sell more flowers in May, like Bridal Month wasn't enough or something, but I wonder if they ever figured the heart'strings of a mother minus a child on that day?  What if it was a mother that had only ONE child, and that child was gone?

(Just a thought for who'ever came up with it).

Well, whoever you are, I plan to enjoy it!  I'm still blessed with my girls that I LIVE for.

And you, Jacky, will surely NEVER be forgotten on MOTHER'S day.  As years go on, I've noticed that memories seem to (seemingly) fade in some. 

Which causes me to re'think this Mother's Day thingie and the reasoning for it...

Maybe some lonely mother created it to ensure just that>>>that her memory of her child would never fade, stay forever fresh...

OR....

Maybe some lonely'only child lost their mother, and decided that when he grew up, he would create a Mother's Day....

Whatever the reason behind it, I'm glad that we have it!!  I love celebrations, and your life will always be celebrated at EVERY occasion.  Your memory will never fade, I can promise you that!!!

I love you always and forever, forever on my mind.  Tomorrow for you, forever for me...

Yes, Jacky can remember us, and not only remembers his life here, but our lives before we came here, when we were all formed at once.  Does he miss us?  I don't think that he's had time unless he was on the wrong side (which he's not).  For one thing, he hasn't even been gone an entire day according to God's time. 

 I think that he probably understands now more than he could have ever imagined, and probably is so excited for us to see what he sees, know what he now knows.  He don't miss us because he realizes that we are going to join him within the same day that he died.

I believe that he prays for us.  Why wouldn't he if even the ones on the wrong side of the gulf even pray for their family to straighten up so that they won't have to suffer the wrong side?   (I'm glad that Jesus gave us that parable of what paradise is like).  I think that he probably prays for us to recieve Christ' spirit so that we have the same understanding as he does of what we call death.  I think that he's excited and elated and just can't wait for us to experience what true life and happiness really is.

Does he hear us, see us?  I don't know, but definitely nothing sad, only the positive things that we say, do or feel. (No sadness in heaven, only happiness).  I think that God maybe gives our loved ones a glimpse of what we are doing every now and then if it is something that will make them smile and be proud of us.  Arnold Murray even taught on that once, altho I missed the scripture that he used, but he said that we all have guardian angels watching over us, which I KNOW that scripture, but he also said that sometimes our loved ones might even be used as guardian angels sent to protect us.  (That is the scripture that I want to find).

Love is a spirit.  God is love.  When we absolutely have no unforgiveness toward anyone, and exercise loving everyone and GOD, then the intense love that we feel for Jacky is so subliminal that he is receiving it there, just as God receives it when we praise and worship HIM.  Love is ALIVE.  This is what I believe.

Scripture says that when even one single person gets saved and comes to believe on Christ, then ALL of the angels in heaven rejoice.  How do they know that if they don't get little glimpses into this dimension, this realm of the world that God created?  So naturally Jacky would be one rejoicing too. (We were created even above the angels).  Naturally Jacky senses our intense love for him, but would be more honored if our love of God would be so intense.  Scripture states that our praises to God is like a sweet perfume sent to him, scenting heaven.  So if our PRAISES which is our sincere LOVE of God can send a sweet aroma to please God's nostrils....then don't you know that there is more to this so called death and spiritual realm business that we don't understand, and Jacky is probably excited for us to understand?

Death and the grave are mentioned often in the bible.  Translated in many places, the grave means hell, death mean spiritual death.  The spiritually dead will go to their grave.  Not literally, but after judgement they will be wiped out.

That's my understanding, Angie.  That's why I try so hard not to live in the flesh, but put on the new man, (live in the spirit).  It's hard, because I'm in this fleshly body, and emotions sometimes stir up, but little by little I'm rooting them out, negative emotions.  It will be a job that I have to work on every day for the rest of my life, but I'm bound and determined that I want to receive more and as much of God's wisdom that he will allow me.  I'm bound and determined to be there with Jacky.  He wasn't perfect, and we're not expected to be perfect in these bodies, but our credit is in the trying.  We can manage to just scrape by and get into heaven, but it's our works here that determine our status in heaven.  I want to be right there at the throne of God.  I want to do as Jacky did, and go the extra mile.  Five o'clock to be at church sometimes to help set up?  Whoo!  Lazy me!  But he went that extra mile, not in all things, but in some things.  He was dedicated in his own areas of honoring God.  I'm trying to be dedicated in my own areas of honoring God.

Of course this is good therapy too, writing to him!  Who knows whether he gets to read it or not?  (But then who knows....we might get a nice surprise when we get to heaven!!)  Don't forget that God is LOVE and he loves providing for and pleasantly surprising his children!

I love you!  And...Jacky?  In case you ARE reading>>>bet you are getting more proud of Angie by the day.  Earth'time (day), that is.

I love you too, son, and will see you in your tomorrow.  Well...probably in your today.  A thousand years on earth is a lonnnnng time!

Hey Jacky, I woud say how are you? But I really I know it's you thinking how am I? I know you are good. I wonder if you think of us or if you can even remember your life with us. I wonder if you can peek into our lives and see us, or feel inside us, feel our spririt. I wonder if you can feel when we think about you or if  you read or feel what we are writing on here or if it is just us doing therapy. I wonder when we visit your grave if you can feel our heart and when we are feeling lost. When we talk about you and all your stories, if you are laughing too.  I just miss you, I know you are in Heaven and I will see you soon. You are in my heart untill then, I just hope you can look down and see us, REMEMBER us, feel our hearts, and watch over and guide us. We know you are good, we just miss you, that's our life. I really long for the day that I am greeted by you..I can picture it, I will take your hand and just look into those brown eyes with that big grin on your face and I will just grin back. I miss you Jacky, watch over us.

I'm slowwwwly working on your old bedroom, which became Haven and Angie's bed'room, which is now mostly mine and Haven's bedroom, sometimes mine and John's bedroom...sometimes just MY bedroom....

I want to incorporate ALL of us into it somehow.  The antique of me, the youth of Haven, the re'spiriting of Angie,  the memory of you...just somehow tie the room together.  I like and want to continue waking up to the walls that surrounded you all at certain points of your lives.

You have a cedar trunk in one of the buildings where you kept/keep your childhood things so protected.  (You kids move a lot, so special stuff stays home for safety).  I need to manage to get to it, see what's in it.  I know that your ball'cards are one of your prized possessions.

I've worked hard the last two weekends, t'wixt laying floor and moving furniture.  I think I'm gaining weight.  Maybe that's what I needed, is a little exercise for appetite.  Plus ensure and butter'milk helps a lot.<<don't care for either one of 'em, but google says that they improve appetite.

I miss you so much, Jacky!  Especially it being Sunday.  Despite the spring'cleaning, I played around on an orange marmalade chicken cook in my "alone" time.  I made some really dirty rice too! 

Oh, well, it didn't go to waste.  I have a long week to look forward to.  I have to take daddy to his "colon" doctor for the three'ish hour polyp thingie,( normally your job), finish up the loose ends of Haven's school registry...and stroke mah chin at the finishing touches of your old room.

Did I say that I miss you?  LOVE you?

Psalm 118:24 "I have made this day; rejoice and be glad in it!"

Sometimes that is so hard to do, no matter whether you've lost someone that you love or not.  Sometimes you just flat out don't feel like being glad in your day.  Choose to do it anyway.  I've been working on that.  Sometimes it seems like little daily routine agitations are more cause for complaint than the big dramas of life.  Such as I noticed all day today gave me the why'me's?  Even if I don't complain out loud, I'm just often surprised at the constant negative thoughts that (TRY) to run my mind.  Except that I catch them, and cast them.  Pretty much, I just get fed up at folks that demand that you do something that they can easily do themselves.

Then here you are, son, always on my mind.  I've straddled the fence of guilt since you have died.  I miss you soooo much, so yet how can I still feel the peace of God's spirit inside me, sometimes to the point of feeling pure joy and....HIGH?  It seems that I try to bring myself back DOWN intentionally, because I really counted on you being here for me if ever something happened to John.  Seems I try to bring myself back DOWN (intentionally)  when I'm cooking a meal that I know that you would normally sit down to, but won't be anymore.  Seems I want to bring myself DOWN each time that I get a word from God, or hear a word of God and really get high off that.  Seems I instantly try to bring myself back down because normally I would share it with you, rather than preach it at you.  You were always listening and seemingly absorbing, and sharing with me, too, what you had absorbed.  Your poems say it all....evidently you were really absorbing. 

I am/or was (maybe still a little),  emotionally mixed as to how it is possible that as long as I remain close to God, I keep this peace and actually continue to be happy, which makes me feel guilty, because I should actually be SAD.....because I DO miss you so, and realize that I'll  never see you again in this life.  That's a heavy emotional feeling.  That is a real fact that will never change.  That is more than most can stomach. 

I ask God to give me a word, open my spiritual eyes and ears, let me see, let me hear.  I listened to Joyce Meyers today, and saw a rainbow..... 

When we are really THAT close to Christ, our flesh bodies still weep, still wants to FEEL...

But our spirit can always inwardly sing and feel joy, that everlasting peace and joy that Christ promised, as long as we choose to stick to God's word and not let our fleshly feelings overcome.  Our spirits can always dance.  How kewl is that?

We can still miss and mourn, but joy will always come in the morning.  We can always take the joy and choose to keep it throughout our day.

Yeah, it's hard, but....I know that you are on the same page with me, Jack'Rabbit.  I love you!  I miss you.  I always thought that I needed you.  (In the flesh, I DO still need you, do still so want you...)  But God always supplies.  I will see you in your tomorrow.