Jacky Ralph Amos

Watch over pa'paw's house.  He has been broken into and half wiped out.  We spent this evening burglar proofin', if that is possible.  Not enough hours in a day these days.  Maybe we will call Brinks security system.  Either way, NOT going to tell him or he would never rest in peace where he is.  His own security system was messed with, doesn't work now.

Jacky, I get soooo MAD at you for getting yourself killed on that thing of a machine!!  SO MAD!  Especially after I warned you and warned you.  I break down sometimes and cry and cry and cry because you didn't listen to me....

But life is no more chaos for it. Actually it is LESS chaos.  (Ya think?)

God showed me EXACTLY how the so'called death experience with you was, same as He showed me with David....  The visions were instant, uninvited...and very real!!!  Kewl!  They were cool!  You are definitely in a wonder world.

I know that you are there praying for US still petty people in petty flesh bodies.  I cry for your pa'paw>>a good mind trapped in a lifeless body!  Our last visit was so pleasant, but this one soooo tearful as he begged, then demanded that I have him out of that nursing home by TOMORROW.  "I just can't take it anymore," he says.  He didn't think that he would have to go back.  My heart is BREAKING for him, because I can very much understand how he feels.

Jacky, you are at the knee of God.  Pray for God to either take him NOW, or give him a way out>>to die at home.

I pondered myself tonight, after leaving such SUCH a truly pained'minded person.  After he first went in, and died, then came out to face THIS?  YOU, son, are so blessed that you died instantly.  I can't keep allowing myself to cry over you, just because of such a blessing as that. 

But I do recall when he went in, then the heart attack, then the loss of a toe, next the leg....now this.  I kept asking God>>>what about ME?  Me, meeee, meee?  How can I keep dealing with this stuff?  (What does it mean when your fore'arm because bigger than your bicep?)

Me, me, me....  God's gentle ocean wave just sort of washed  me back in on a ponder.....

It's not all about ME anymore.  It is all about HIM.  I DO NOT WANT TONIGHT'S VISIT TO BE MY LAST MEMORY of him,  (highly unhealthy, emotionally),   so>>>so.....hey, God?  It's not MY future and comfort that counts anymore.  It is HIS.  So help me find a way, figure a way, just as he is trying to do....  He has to come before me.  Pray that God can keep John strong through all of my weakness HERE, seemingly battle after battle...with family dying on me left and right.

Angie?>>Jacky fretted over you about as hard as I do, and will forever on into his eternity. (I fretted over him too!)>  I don't  care if you become a saint at some point in time, we are going to worry over you>>>I'm a'gonna worry and fret and pray over your safety.  And also Haven's future.  By the way, Jacky fretted over me also, and everyone else that he loves.  We none of us can avoid a blow to our egos at maybe something that he said>>>but good news is<<<we KNOW that he loved us!

We are all so negative in the flesh....  >>Only in the future can we be proclaimed perfect, so long as we strive to be so in the here and now.  We, none of us, can judge one another in this world, IN THE FLESH.

You are a beautiful mother, and growing in spirit more and more each day.  Not there yet, FAR from it>>but neither am I.

As for family...we are united...as FAMILY.  We are just that, and must remain such.  Be forgiving, non judge'mental....

"Forgive us our wrongs, as we forgive those that wrong against us..."

So many wrongs I've counted (behalf of myself and thoughts), just on daddy going THERE.  My thoughts have been all wrong.  I was wishing for "a break" such as he asked ME for tonight.  How can I give him a break?

I don't KNOW.  But God is in control.

I love you, Angie.  You are a good mother.  Don't let life or imagination or past mistakes get you down.

Papaw is doing leaps and bounds better today with the blood.  Floyd Medical Center is his favorite place of all the "places" that he has been, and I would imagine that he would be content to live there forever if he had a choice.  But he don't, so I guess he will probably be back at the nursing home this weekend.  He's calling that "home" now.  But he does want me to get him a motor'scooter no matter what....

Okay.  I'll try.

He was really pleasant today despite the fact that I lost his cell phone, or his cell phone lost me.  He insisted that I not buy him another for at least another couple of weeks, just in case it might dawn on me where I hid it.

I didn't hide that danged ol' cell phone!

I even cringed to the fact that he was gonna be mad at me about not going to the nursing home to gather his clothes.  I worried so much about it, >> I had a fake bag of clothes to take....and forgot.  But since he seems to know that he's going back, none of it matters.

He was so pleasant and content, and his room so comfortable, that I didn't mind just hanging out for a few hours and watching t.v. with the kids.  He hates the t.v., but got tickled at one of Tracy and Haven's movies....asked to to find him the "judges" channel when we were leaving...  I reckon it's that same channel the old man next to him in the nursing home watches, so we turned it to Judge Judy.

You all know why I look like a turtle with it's neck constantly stuck out on a nervous hunch?  My shell of a shoulder blade kinda shielding the back of my neck?

Well....that's because I'm always on a nervous hunch.

Oh yeah!  The ride there wouldn't pleasant.  It came a rain so hard I couldn't see in front of me, and highly worried more about what was behind and about to run over me.  But once out from under that storm'cloud I felt like an ol' granny blowing off her pistols once the big sha'bang was over.

But all's well that ends well.  I wound up crying last night so hard over daddy's phone, really you>>maybe really daddy's phone....I think over simply just daddy's predicament....then back to you, that....  Oh!  It makes me so mad at myself to feel human.  Then amazed, constantly, at how I worry over the most petty things.  I gave it all to God all the way there, was bummed out with the storm, then left out safely with sunny skies.

I was just amazed at how pleasant the trip turned out to be once getting there, after dreading it soooo much.  And...first time in my life I've heard it, daddy says>>"I love you all"<<as we were leaving.

Are you coaching him, son?  I love you.....

I always apogize when I break down on folks at simple nothings, altho my small break'downs are always over the loss of you.  I get so mad at myself (ashamed)  for breaking down at times, but I guess that is life.  So far, only John, Charlene and Christy have had to try to put up with me.  Charlene knows how.  Poor John and Christy....to you, I apologize again and again.  Sometimes I don't know how John puts up with me.  He is a big ol' teddy bear that wishes that he could fix me, but knows that he can't.

Nobody can, except God.  It's been a long life, not even fifty yet.  But I do have the rest of my life to enjoy, so not gonna let small breakdowns and storms stand in my way.

Hmmm...are you coaching me, son?  You always have.

I love you forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, as Mama Dot Cox would say, "If that don't beat a hog a'flyin'!"

All that I wanted was an extended porch.

John made a boo'boo on the roof, and now my hall and probably kitchen flooring will have to be replaced.  Make the rain STOP!!!!  Will this house ever be put back together?

On top of that, Blame'it has a back itch that is driving him and me crazy, and daddy is back in the hospital and proud of it.  He says that he's not going back to "that place" (nursing home), so go there and pack up his clothes that he never managed to wear.  He is so weak, a good mind in a body that won't budge.  He can't sit up now.  It's as if he has no spine.  I don't know why he's back at the hospital except that he does need blood and his heart is messing up again or something.

It really is a good nursing home, best that I've ever seen.  Not a hint of urine smell, and it actually has nurses that come in regularly just like the hospital.  They are cheerful and considerate.  The only thing that I don't like is that there are THREE people to a room, altho daddy's room only had him and one other guy.  I hope that if he does get released from the hospital, then this particular home will have a bed for him.

You are forever on my mind, Jacky.  Not one second that you're not.  I don't know why I wach that show 'Most Shocking' because it just makes me constantly shudder and sigh and sometimes wanna cry for you.   I miss you so incredibly much.  I know what you would say about and in every situation that I keep facing lately.  You were absolutely someone that I clung to....just didn't really realize it.