Jacky Ralph Amos

I don't know what those shrubs around the hospital are called, but the night that I stood outside waiting to hear something official, little Haven was picking the blooms off them and handing them out, placing one in each person's hand.  I held on to mine, feeling to need something physical to hold on to, because I knew that no matter what, the night you died would be the most memorable night of my life.  Altho at the time I was waiting to hear that you were alive...I still knew that it would be the most memorable night of my life.

After it was official that you were dead, I went to the bathroom, still holding to the stem of that little bloom.  It still looked so alive, but I knew that it's life here had ended too.  I pressed it between the pages of my checkbook and forgot about it.  About a month later, it fell out into my hand, probably the most perfect little memorial of that night that I could ever ask for.  It was a night that I tried to reason with God that I would take you any way that I could have you, just keep you alive.  It was a night that he reasoned back with me that he knew best, you belonged to him, as I do, and he wouldn't put anymore on me than I can bare.  He would work it out to the good.  It was all reasoned between us in a most perfect peace, and now I'm grateful, because God knows best, knew that you wouldn't the type spirit to live here as a cripple, or worse.  My little Haven'bloom is and forever will be a reminder of that night, how God can keep one in perfect peace even through such horrific hours, days, reality.  It died the same night that you did, and I've often looked up at it hanging on the wall above my computer in a sandwich bag, wondering what to do with it to make it more safe...maybe somehow have it put into an ornament.

But when Autumn mentioned making more bookmarkers with your poem, I KNEW exactly where the little memory'bloom would go>>laminated into one of those markers.  I will put it in your bible.

She's supposed to make the markers and bring her laminating machine over Sunday to finish your special marker.  I have a feeling that she won't make it, weather'wise and all, but that's okay...what a blessing she has been lately, and...the marker will still get done.

We've really missed you lately, Angie with her vehicle problems, (Devil's interference, you know?  I just rebuke him.) John and daddy sick.  It's your muscles and willingness to help that always did come in so handy.  But John is 100 percent today, praise God!  Yesterday, I came out and annointed him with oil and said a prayer, and he simply let me.  I guess after 17 days of pure dizziness he was desperate.  Then I googled vertigo and home remedies, because God always aims to nutrition and home'style medicating for healing.  I massaged John's neck muscles in the front of his neck 'til I thought my arms would fall off>>but not really long at all.  The dizziness subsided, and this is the first day that John has really been able to work since New Year.  He said that he didn't have a lick of dizziness!  Yayyyy!  I just hope that he understands>>>it wouldn't the allergy medication that he had already been taking for a couple of weeks that hadn't been working<<<>>>it was God's doing, even right down to being led to massaging the front of his neck.

I love you!

I've just gotta share this memory!  Remember, Jacky, how so much Boozer Jenkins loves you?  You would drive up, and he knew all your motors, being it motor'cycle or vehicle truck and jeep, and would get soooo excited.  As I told Autumn, he would get to whimperin' on a Boozer'prance from monitor, to doggie'door on a nose'whiff, back to monitor, then to kitchen door...  He trembled so hard when you finally decided to come out and pet him>>>that he dribbled pee all over your boot!   Only you, and you only!  None of us get that sort of recognition, except John.  He don't get the happy'tembled look and excited bladder loss, tho.

We cracked about it, and you loved it.  You would play your Boozer game, having me lock him in while you made all sorts of trails around the back yard, behind trees, around buildings....and then you would hide...and EVERY SINGLE time he would follow the maze of your trail on a nose'whiff as he followed along (just as quickly as you had run it) the scent of your trail.  That was AMAZING!  We all thought so, and wow, it sure was.  Amazing.

I can mention your name today, and he will perk an ear, whimper on a prance from security montior to doggie'door on a whiff, to kitchen door on a peek...and just can't quite catch the scent anymore.   That's because you're not here anymore, physically.   But it was amazing the pattern of a trail that you could make up for him to follow if you're in that playful mood to do such, and he follow on after without actually being able to see where you're hiding.  Until he snoots you out, that is!  He ALWAYS found you!

He knew that you were there, altho he couldn't really see you in the first place.  He could sense your presence, and follow your path.

I feel sorry for him now, when I mention your name.  He just can't quite manage to "sense" your presence, altho he wants to soooo much.  (You can tell by the whimper).  Same as I feel sorry for people that can't quite sense that you're still alive, just in another dimension.  (Probably, they feel sorry for ME, and that makes me smile and feel sad at the same time...because...that means they can't quite grasp that there is another stage (final one) to this life.  That means that they really can't quite grasp the concept of Christ.  In their minds, it's like>>okay, he came, he died, I believe, I'm saved....<<<<<<<and if I don't believe, I'll wing it, just in case!

Hmmm....wrong number to heaven! 

You can't do that!  You have to be a Boozer'Jenkins>>>>follow the trail, sniff out the pattern.  No one can do that without regularly seeking and studying God's word.  (Who can believe such as that, without being superstick'shous or something?)  One has to be one'on'one with him by reading his word, not taking other's words for it, but by taking HIS word for it.  And eagerly looking for the little "ifs" before the promises>>>that's FUN.  It's not hard to do, either, if you're of a fairly decent, or at least wish'to'be'decent character.  It's really challenging and fun, following them if's.  And if you somehow can't quite get it right and fall short, such as Jacky jumping on the roof and sliding to the other side to confuse Boozer's sensitive nose?  (It never worked, Boozer always knew that Jacky was on the other side, so went on a whole 'nother direction to a front'gate sniff....) same as SO LONG AS YOU TRY, God won't let your short'comings count against you either.  As long as you don't lose sight of Him>>>HE won't lose sight of you.  He won't let you go!  "IF my word abides in you, and YOU abide in Me...."

If you, if you, if you....  Folks wonder why scripture promises them such'n'such and seems to fail them on a promise, but they forget to look at the "if" parts of the scripture, the promise.... They have a duty too.  Even our animals understand that they have a duty to do, an "if" to follow, if they wanna get to the point that they want to be.  Maybe they are hungry, or like Boozer, maybe they just want to be happy and get that Jacky'trophy.  (You always did have to "give" didn't you, son?)

My point of this message is...I guess...that I want my family to please follow Jacky's example and  GIVE, and follow mine as his mother>>to TRY to at least follow the ten commandments as best as you all can.  They aren't hard to obey at all, and especially not as hard as following the "if's" of the promises that we all so seek to receive.  Oh, wow!  This Janice'person would soooo love to see her entire family and extendeds following the if's of the scriptures, and the ten commandments to boot.  Know what?  I don't think that I've lied more than three'ish times in over a year now>>even to myself.  Not even to my own self.  It's been a challenge that's been hell'acious (whatever kind of word that is)>>and fun.   And, Jacky, you rolled that boat a ways with me over the last nine months plus some....  I'm dedicated and determined to practice what I preach.  God gives me favor for it.  Glenda don't even mess with me any more.  Whew!  That is really kewl!

Here's another Kewl for you, Jacky.  We bought another six lots around you TODAY,  the final day that our so called city'deal ran out, as I'm very determined to keep our family together.  If I could have JUST known that there were three more available!!!  John has been pretty sick>what a battle, and I'm not up to snuff  myself, (praise God for Shane), but...if and when any more money comes in?  I'm gonna ask God for favor, because I am sincerely determined to follow His word>>seek HIM out first thing in the morning, as typical of my days this past years'plus>>>I think that I'm right, could be wrong, but we will manage to have a family cem of sorts that links to Dot...and to my own gr'mother.

We literally will own a land around you, Jacky, a family circle.  Thanks to you.  Thanks and praise to God.

I know that such is and isn't a natural scheme of things....it don't matter where we are buried....

But it matters to your mama, because you were always such a hugger...and teased me that I wouldn't>>a physical hugger

I see your name everywhere, and find it incredible, especially the R.I.P.'s...  We talked about death so much the last weeks of your life, right down to the last day of your life...that I wonder what God's over'all plan really is for all of us.  And your poems.  It's almost as if you were totally prepared to live real in the next dimension, where I was (during our talks) soooo focused on living real and spiritual in the here'now.  I had tried to challenge you to not allow one negative thought escape through your lips>>as I was getting to be pretty good at it, and really quite fun trying to catch a negative thought   after a year of practice.  I was getting pretty good at trying to catch myself in a negative thought or negative feeling, and instantly zipping my lip and casting that thought to God and training myself to turn it into a positive.  You know my repeated saying>>for every negative there is a positive.  Even folks that wrong us, or hurt us, or want to argue for the sake of argument>>pray for them, don't slander them, DON'T argue with them.  Don't allow Satan, that negative, to take away what we could turn into a postive prayer for someone that is in wrong'doing.  After all, we've done a lot of wrong'dones our own'selves.  I would repeatedly quote the scripture>>the workers of iniquity have fallen.  They've been cast down, and can't rise back up....

Whoooo, Jacky!  You sure would try, wouldn't you, son!  You agreed right down the line, until it came down to two women in your life that you loved to hate, and hated to love.  And then you would seem to contradict yourself, because your love for them (that positive), really out'shined the negative.

Angie, the number one love of your life.  There is no doubt about it.  You absolutely adored her.  You were so disappointed in her in an area or two, especially the tres'passing on you with your "friends" area, but now I realize the why of that disappointment.  The friends that you were kewl to in your own way, Angie was trying to be kewl to in her own way....and it sort of put a damper on the witness that you wanted to be.  But you also saw that she was simply trying to fit into the life and "kewl" style of her big brother, and you couldn't help yourself for loving her all the more for it, feeling to be more protective of her (a positive), and proud of her for being proud of you, a love connection>>which is another positve.  The positives always over'whelms the negatives, depending that's the path one CHOOSES to follow, and...Angie is the number one love of your life.  She even got Valentine gifts. 

I didn't.

Just kiddin'!  I love my kids so much for the fact that you two loved each other, despite the inner'complaints and all.  Angie, honey, it's no different with you>>replace any negative thought that I might rain onto you with the positive<<<you privately grumped about him too, but....you loved him so much.  He got gifts for every occasion, too, that caused me to smile, because despite any complaints, (negatives), there was always those positive and outward shows of LOVE between my children.  Never any verbal squabbling that I know of.  I love you, my kids, Jacky and Angie!  Your love for each other is something that most parents can't brag about.  (I watch Dr. Phil).

The number two love of your life, (that I know of)>>>Amanda?  Don't thank God for your knee'cap.  Thank me! 

 "Mama!  I TRY to be positive, but you CAN'T...when....I swear it!  I'm gone shoot her in the knee!"

Don't take that to heart either, honey.  Or>>>okay, take it to heart.  I can't count the times that he wished that it could really work, because in his heart he "knew" that you were the one.  Somehow it was just screwed up to not really be.

It wouldn't screwed up to not really be.  It was a part of this realm, and God's intervention.  God had other plans for Jacky, that Jacky deeply realized in his spirit, but just wasn't totally clued in>>there is a verse in the bible somewhere, that speaks of looking in a mirror and seeing dimly at the moment, but more clearly later.   Jacky's later has come.  You, Amanda, are still trying to see into that mirror that only gives in part...same as I keep peering into the mirror.  I don't have it all down pat either, but>>>I'm sure POSITIVE that one day I will.  Same as Jacky.

You, hon, that I know of, was the second most loved woman of his life.  Okay, so you wouldn't the first!  Don't feel bad>>after all, I'M his MAMA.  I hope that I least maybe place in at third!

But on a more serious note, after weeks of death discussions...mainly BECAUSE you bought that motorcycle that shuddered me same as Haven's C'mas present of a four'wheeler shudders me....(and yet me still not quite comprehending the reality that  altho I was jittery as a bessie'bug over MY child, it surely wouldn't/couldn't happen, because I worried... PRAYED every day, over said children...

It does.  It can...>>happen.  They always say if you don't worry about it, it won't happen.  Never listen to "they".   How do they know?

But then again, worry is a sin, because that means that you're not trusting in God.  (God's word...)

Okay, let's figure this out>>>I worried about it, Jacky,  (a negative), but let go and let God, (a positive),  and you had empathy, (an added positive)>>for every negative, there is a positive, and>>>saw to it that....many more positives were added....

I guess you remember?  My cousin, my age, died just months shy of you.  He couldn't even manage up a funeral...kept on hold too long for probably even the devil's comfort.  Folks would probably say that's because he didn't live right enough.  Yeap!<<One of MY negative thoughts!  But...as God dealt with me and others>>>>WHO lives right?  I donated.  Folks donated. 

My point is, I know why you trusted me, son.  I promise, I will continue to serve your memory right.  Every plot around you that I can manage to buy up WILL be bought up, and I ((think))that it connects to Hot'Dot and my own gr'ma.  Either way, they are all close, and everyone will have a place, without a single member of our family and extendeds desperate to find a place on a struggle of the after'funeral bill.   

If you were here, you would be excited about the snow, just like Haven, and be outside playing in it with her, even tho it is only a dusting.  I really miss you at times like this, upbeat, always out to have fun...  She keeps looking at your pictures, really irked to see that you went to the zoo and didn't invite her.  She said that she was going to kick your butt when she gets to heaven.

I love you.